i’m overwhelmed and tired. jacob and i have been on this journey to start a family for 2.5 years with no luck. it feels like my mind and body have betrayed me and i’m facing some hard truths. for a while now i believed that i suffered 4 miscarriages. with all 4 i thought i saw the faintest positive line, thought i felt some symptoms, thought i was carrying my child only to see blood a few days later. in my mind this was all the proof i needed of a miscarriage when in fact i had never been pregnant at all. i never went to actually see a doctor. i think i was scared to face the fact that i may not be able to conceive at all. i have so many emotions after coming to this realization:
1) relieved to have finally pulled myself out of the deception.
2) angry at my mind for telling me lies.
3) ashamed of myself for crying wolf when so many others are actually suffering with the loss of their child.
4) scared of letting go and walking into the unknown of infertility.
this week we took a step forward and met with an obgyn for an initial family planning appointment. my hormone labs came back normal. it feels like that should be an exciting thing but it makes me nervous that something worse is wrong. jacob has an appointment coming up to test sperm count and motility. i have a tentative appointment in late april for a saline infusion sonohysterography. this will help identify if i have cists or fibroids. depending on the results of these tests, my doctor has plans to prescribe me either clomid or letrozle to enhance ovulation. i still don’t know if i’m excited to finally start getting answers or petrified of the answers i might not want to hear. but i know i can find the support i need to start our family and learn not to hate my mind and body along the way.